Fairytale origins Snow white

Snow white is an old German fairytale. For the most part, the Brothers Grimm traveled about collecting fairy tales from different places (If you look closely, you will notice many have French and Japanese names.) and translated them to German. Naturally the children loved the stories collected from far and wide, but eventually they began asking about stories from their own nation.

The Brothers (William and Jacob) set out for small parts around Germany and wrote them down. One of these is Snow white which is for the most part the same as it was. while most stories get told again and again and reinterpreted and rewriten (at one point, Cinderellas shoes were gold, in another fur.) Snow white is basically the same as where it started.

There is a rather morbid young queen who accidentally  sticks her finger with a needle and bleeds all over the  windowsill. Instead of finding a bandage, the queen looks at the blood in the snow on the black sill and thinks how pretty her daughter would be to have a pale daughter with red lips and black hair…..Mildly racist…

Good news, the queen gets her wish and her daughter is born with  the skin of an albino and the lips of a vampire. Bad news,the queen dies in childhood. Worse news ( For our protagonist) her mothers dying words are “I shall name her snow white.” There are not much worse names.

Snow white grows more and more and more beautiful every day and since women were not meant to be much  more than ornaments back then, she didn’t have to be. In the princess handbook it does say you have to be nice to everyone all the time and Snow follows that very well. Her step mother, on the other hand apparently didn’t read that page. (Its like a long book though. There is a whole chapter on spinning and 400 pages on talking to animals without looking like a nutjob)

The queen is very beautiful  and very proud of her looks. she also has a magic mirror that tells her who is more beautiful than her. …. the actual question is ‘who is fairest’ so this could really just be “Am I the whitest palest girl around” Instead of  trying for something else, like brains or charm, she HAS to be the most beautiful and so kills those who are more beautiful.  One day,  she asks the mirror who is prettiest and the mirror says Not you bitch It’s snow white. Obviously the queen can’t just Off snow white like she has the others as the king might ask questions.

She calls a huntsman to her and gives him a box. She wants a very specific trophy. The heart and lungs (Or sometimes the liver) of her 8 year old stepchild. The huntsman objects and begs not to have to kill her, but the queen insists. However she finally convinced him, he takes Snow to the forest  to off her. Snow meanwhile is really giving the princess manual a full run. Dancing in circles, talking to chipmunks, gathering wildflowers, the whole 9.  The huntsman watches her and not being the guy we hate for shooting Bambi’s mom (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) he tells Snow to run into the woods, kills a boar and brings the specified organs to the queen. She then eats them (in some versions raw, in others cooked with a thick sauce either way she thinks its human. Hello cannibalism) with great delight. She goes back to the mirror and asks again if she is fairest and Snow white ran pretty far pretty fast so she’s in the next kingdom. The mirror tells the queen she’s the most beautiful for about…. dang it math…..5 years.

Snow white runs like mad, and you’ll know what I mean when we get back to the queen…. She runs like mad for days until she comes to a tiny cottage in the middle of the woods. She goes inside and  eats the food she finds and drinks the water (Or wine) then goes to sleep. The owners come home and find her there. She wakes up and begs to stay and promises to keep the house clean and make them nice hot meals. The dwaves all agree to keep her as the maid and she’s just glad to be alive. For 5 years, the dwarves and snow white live happily together and they come to think of her as their own daughter. The trouble is there have been wars and compensation and buyouts and consolidation so slowly the land the dwarves live in becomes the kingdom snow white was born in.  One day the queen went to her mirror and asked again and the mirror once more answered snow white. The queen got angry and killed the huntsman but nobody cares unless it’s Chris Hemsworth awkwardly kissing Kristen Stewart   The queen dressed as an avon representative and marched straight to where Snow was living with a handful or corsets.

We have to pause here to admire the queens determination. Keep this in mind; in order to kill Snow White, she walked over 7 mountains and 7 valleys through 7 forests….

SHE WALKED OVER 7 MOUNTAINS AND 7 VALLEYS THROUGH 7 FORESTS. What? Come on, The Hobbit doesn’t even go that far! Wouldn’t it be easier to just pop down to the market and buy some concealer? No?

Anyway the queen goes to Snow white and shows the teenager the pretty clothes she has. Snow white is very excited about this as she outgrew her clothes about 4 years ago. She wants something that will hold up her new boobs. The queen entices her to try one on, then pulls the strings so tight, Snow can’t breathe. she passes out, the queen goes home and asks the mirror once again. Now bear in mind, she walked over these HUGE mountains, deep valleys and confusing forests full of trees with no path… then killed her stepdaughter (all in one day)  then walked all the way back and STILL ig the prettiest around.

Maybe it really is hard to get concealer…

The dawrves find Snow and freak out for all of 10 seconds  before they cut her free and Snow pops up, as well as ever.  They buy her some clothes so the queen can’t trick her again.

But she does, because  as mentioned earlier women with brains was considered a freak of nature, the queen returns with a poisoned comb and sticks it in her hair. Snow drops dead and the queen goes home to claim the life insurance meanwhile the dwaves come home and one of them accidentally knocks the comb out of Snow whites hairs and she pops up once more. The dwarves overlook that they expect women to be idiotic, scold her for letting the queen near her again.

The queen also realizes her tricks won’t work again and when she learns snow is alive STILL she disguses herself with magic to look like a creepy old woman..

Time out. Ok if she could use MAGIC to make herself look like an ugly old crone, could she not also use magic TO MAKE HERSELF MORE  BEAUTIFUL? Really? alacawhammy gorgeousness? Or maybe a spell where she no longer cares so much??  Maybe use the ugly spell on Snow when she was a child? 7 MOUNTAINS AND 7 VALLEYS  7 FORESTS, PEOPLE  That’s like… dang it math.. 21 miles at least. 41 round trip. You’re telling me this was the EASY option you have MAGIC woman!

*hyperventilates into bag* ok. I’m fine.

The queen uses magic to make herself ugly. ( Nice work. YES I get the irony I’m just saying *points to above paragraph*) then goes once more to the house where snow white is home alone (seriously she gets in more trouble than Machauly Culkin)  and feeds her the poison apple.  Snow white for whatever reason decides the evil queen would NEVER use magic to make herself ugly, that’s laughably ridiculous  and eats the apple. Its poison and once more she falls down.  the queen goes home and the dwarves find Snow White. They try to revive her but can’t. So she’s put in a glass coofin and kept there with the dwarves guarding it. A prince rides through after abut 2 years and when he sees Snow in her coffin a sudden Necrophiliac desire washes over him and he asks to take her body with him. The Dwarves agree on condition they can carry her there. As they carry her, a clutzy one trips on a root and drops  the princess The apple slice, which was stuck her her throat (No one did the Heimlich? REALLY you DIDN’T TRY THE… no. Ok I’m ok…) and once again alike a Jack in the box Snow pops up again. This time in a coffin If That didn’t freak her out…

Snow decides what the hell, she’s tired of cooking and cleaning with a bunch of tiny men so she marries the prince.

this time when the queen asks who is fairest the mirror answers in THIS kingdom she is, but the queen bride in the next kingdom over is much prettier.

The queen dies then. Either she has a heart attack thinking of all those mountains she climbed just for someone prettier than snow white to pop up. Or she smashed the mirror and her life force is tied to the mirror. The version most cite as Grimms version is the queen goes to the wedding to see who would dare be prettier than her and the dwarves force her to wear hot iron shoes and dance herself to death.


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